On Most Days

On Turning 40

On November 5th, I entered my 40th year on this humble planet.

It seems that a lot of people imbue a great significance to this age, like 40 is the official marker of grown-up-adulthood. While I generally feel that using age as a way to define people is minimizing, turning 40 holds some import to me. Mostly, it inspires humility. In one breath I feel like "40" is meaningless but in the next, I feel like, "Holy sh*t, I'm still here."

While I cannot verify the true source, the following bit of internet wisdom speaks loudly to me.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

Life Lessons As Taught By Watercolor

•watercolor in progress•

It's no secret that watercolor has become my medium of choice. Sure, I use a bit of gouache (which is really just opaque watercolor if we're being honest) and a spit of acrylic ink but I'm always drawn back the spontaneity of watercolors.

Ironically it's this spontaneous and free quality of the paint that also teaches the benefits of patience. Push too hard and the paint will scold by creating a dull puddle of mud. Allow each wash to dry before adding another and the paint rewards with luminous translucency and texture. 

It's as though each painting is a practice in meditation that is being led by the paint and learned by the painter. For me it is this part of the process that makes art so necessary and central to my sanity, teaching me to slow down and allow the magic to happen. There are times during the making of a painting that I will get focused on "fixing" a portion of the image, thinking that just a little bit more will make it "perfect". There is an anxiety in letting the "mistake" remain, as though it speaks to my competency as an artist. Amazingly though, if I just walk away for a second, it's that imperfection that often makes the final painting beautiful.

Awkward

I figured an illustrator should have an illustrated profile picture. I think I will keep my "actual" face on some of my online identities - perhaps to separate my professional and more personal sites?

cheers!

welcome 2013!
against all odds we survived the mayan apocalypse and didn't fall off the fiscal cliff.
here's hoping this new year is filled with more love and peace than we saw in 2012. the news is so persistently full of violence and our leaders seem stuck in a position of juvenile obstinance. i don't claim to have the answers, but can't imagine that if we all dare to be better than we have to, make thoughtful compromises, and most importantly, cultivate love then we can't vere too far off the path.

happy birth-month to me.

it seems that the universe has so graciously gifted me a category 3, threat-level-orange cold virus for my birthday. i have spent much of the last three days in a recuperative hibernation, thinking often of the evolutionary perfection of viruses.
alas, i do seem to be coming around. today i have the glorious feeling that only comes after being sick for some time; the faint glow of "normal". it's startling how easily we forget the gift of good health!

that one breath.

it's been difficult to keep grounded in this last week. my mind insists on circling around overwhelmingly pessimistic ideas and unlikely negative outcomes. it's as though my thoughts are possessed by a malevolent entity. not that i believe in that type of thing, but it is certainly more comforting to think that i am not at all responsible for my own sour energy.
what i find most challenging is that i am conscious of the fact that these thoughts are negative and unproductive, yet it is hard to wipe them away for more than a brief period.

if i sound painfully vague, it's not because i am trying to be dramatic or hide anything. there have been no tragedies or traumatic events. i am not depressed. it's just that there are some days that i need to force myself to see the beauty in the clouds rather than get washed out by the grey. 

self doubt is born of comparison to others, despite the fact that the reference point is frequently edited. often it feels phony, like self-help psychotherapy but eventually the positive incantations feel less like stumbling in the dark and more like an opportunity to be better at life. 

i realize that the instinct to run away is counterproductive and digging in is just what is needed. the most important thing we can do as humans is to try to clean up our dark spaces so that they don't infect someone else. perhaps most importantly we must prevent those dark spaces from convincing us that we aren't the stunning, awe inspiring, talented and invaluable people we really are.

in my attempt to understand, i just make things more complicated. when i realize that things won't always make sense to my personal logic i can breathe. 

that breath, the physical inhaling and exhaling of it, is all that matters. this is all i need to know.