it's been difficult to keep grounded in this last week. my mind insists on circling around overwhelmingly pessimistic ideas and unlikely negative outcomes. it's as though my thoughts are possessed by a malevolent entity. not that i believe in that type of thing, but it is certainly more comforting to think that i am not at all responsible for my own sour energy.
what i find most challenging is that i am conscious of the fact that these thoughts are negative and unproductive, yet it is hard to wipe them away for more than a brief period.
if i sound painfully vague, it's not because i am trying to be dramatic or hide anything. there have been no tragedies or traumatic events. i am not depressed. it's just that there are some days that i need to force myself to see the beauty in the clouds rather than get washed out by the grey.
self doubt is born of comparison to others, despite the fact that the reference point is frequently edited. often it feels phony, like self-help psychotherapy but eventually the positive incantations feel less like stumbling in the dark and more like an opportunity to be better at life.
i realize that the instinct to run away is counterproductive and digging in is just what is needed. the most important thing we can do as humans is to try to clean up our dark spaces so that they don't infect someone else. perhaps most importantly we must prevent those dark spaces from convincing us that we aren't the stunning, awe inspiring, talented and invaluable people we really are.
in my attempt to understand, i just make things more complicated. when i realize that things won't always make sense to my personal logic i can breathe.
that breath, the physical inhaling and exhaling of it, is all that matters. this is all i need to know.